August 18, 2020

Randy T. Collins #325436

Gus Harrison Correctional Facility

2727 E. Beecher Rd

Adrian, MI 49221

“View through these eyes”

Prisons, victims, career criminals, you name it, but within some men sits fear, peer pressure, and regrets, also pain and lost. This placement of basement of different races, genders and religion background can harm or hold you to spiritual strengths. With me, I felt every emotion you can experience. My attitude with God turn into pure hate for for self with millions of gallons of blame to give. Truthfully, I never motivated self to put goals in action to even reach my potential, instead I hide behind crowds of so call men in search of my identity. How can you start life when theres no one to assist you? Where to begin or better yet who is my role model to carry me off into understanding life itself.

No hero needed, but with a father who marathons miles without his planted seed, how can I succeed to know the roles of becoming a man, confused child while my mother’s mental illness tore her brain, so her two sister of nine siblings took in a lonely child. No matter their love it’s nothing like the birth mother, but with their support, shelter and schooling, at age 12, I seen it all had a price. One aunty drank into her own celebrations of her life of not having a child of her own. Nights left alone, beatings, cussing cause her day went wrong. This formed a hate that lead me into where I wrote these words now “SEGREGATION”... (January 7, 2020)

The second aunt had high goals, a husband and three children, where will she find the time? She  into nursing school, one or two jobs to feed us, but with all the label name clothing, great school and many therapist sessions I wanted, my heart produced a hole in it at age 4. I never anyone that’s when I was told she wasn’t my mother. Braking into a imagination a child had at the moment, so when 12 years old, I burned away into a world of dangerous ways of living for anyone, even more for a child. Leaving a good shelter to homeless since 1993, I drifted into homes of aunts, friends and strangers. I finally found 2 known drug addicted male who showed me how to steal cars, which cars is my first passion. In 1993, I caught a case driving a stolen car, since then my crimers was receiving stolen property and auto theft, which landed me in Detroit’s youth home twice, Burton Center twice, supervised Independent living in Ypsilanti, Ann Arbor, Inskter, and Bay City, also Mavey boys training school and Pioneer Work and Learn Center, plus Wolverine Center for Youth. Not one place help, it was a painful experience in and out, segregation, holding chairs, verbal abuse, etc. I escaped many times. By this time I adapted to the society of prisons and institutions, cause I lost normal society of true living.

I never witness real love, which was replace negative actions to prove your toughness in a ghetto mantell. No romantic moments with women or field trips upon God’s wonderful land. I was taught see, control, and reward God’s queens with sperm & redo of what my father repeated. Sometimes I recap moments with other women who may birth & seed of mine’s unknown to me. I have four children, 1 son and 3 daughters, and now 2 grandchildren who all suffers from my physical withdrawing out their lives. A true deadbeat yes I am, within these hardship years I connected raw pain, turning it into anger serving anyone my destroying rampage. Everyone that loved me I forced them away as if I had a cancer that will spread and kill. Truly, inside I possess a heart of gold, supportive, honesty, and loyal. Depression mix with anxiety throw me into mood swings. It caused me cousin to try to sexual assault me when  I was 10 years old or regrets of being born. No on ever cared enough to visit till I got all this time. See without them knowing the real Randy they had no power to save me. From within this demented surroundings I sacrifice it all to homosexuality, gambling, assauls, stabbings, and being stabbed, segregation for 8 months trying to be accepted into gang life, then religion Christian Muslim back to homosexuality back again, finding self lost into a circle of priosn lies, betrayals, and pretenders. I’m wondering, am I damage for the water I pour into new souls flood away my true talents, poetry, writing books, and drawing. Now, I think how many miles I pace on these warehouse grounds of torture were guards treat you unhuman, men judge of your cases, but how your sins lesser than mines?

Now, the story prey on the weak, really when they weak but in here you got to appear strong. Times I see myself drowning in a sea of regrets trying to find out why solutions hide in dark shadows, asking God through my Holy Bible or Holy Koran can my eyes view them lights. These walls close in tight while tears flood these hands of this men seeking guidances, but I cannot explain to my daughter why she was molested by her stepfather, a sad day. Communicating off and on, not a great way to build a solid foundation, but I climb even if it’s no mere mountain. No siblings on mothers side, don’t know nothing about my father, just his name is Tyrone Jones. I call my closest cousins brothers and sisters to not feel alone. See it can be a crowded room and still feel there’s no one there. My real relationships with family, barely know their birthdays. See truth is, am journeying upon dirt hills, stormy winds and heavy pours of rain in segregation, pacing back and forth, door to window, hoping to view something different. same blue and orange uniforms, shapes and body weights, demons and fakes. I scream for no one to hears, I cry but no one there to rub my back, I see it’s a man’s world in here.

Do love ones understand how a simple letter, Jpay or call changes a inmates day. Heart aching asking for a blessing when mail is delivered or your palms sweating counting them Jpay seconds to view you got mail, praying it’s no institutional mail deadlines, closing of law library or movies  menus. I know you like you place yourself there you right, but who help you when your fall came? Then you look up to see someone there, so what’s different? I seen grown men rape just for fun, beating with baseball bats over drug debts or gang related stabbing over 30 times, that men dies as C/Os watch an inmate last breath. See we judge without knowing what we judge, just letting others opinions control us like it’s true facts. What happen to families sticking together? Friends now more better than your own kin. This right here I can’t make up, many days I wish I didn’t wake up.

Freedom of mind it’s hard times dealing with wild thoughts and braking rules MDOC seem they don’t follow. Communities ask why your government get millions of incarcerated males and females without real correction in correctional which these are warehouse facilities.

See, so where should I go when every door is closed. These knees scared from all the begging, so if you can sit back and listen to a man asking for help before his thoughts attemp suicide again. Surely I need help where I cannot sleep at night seeing that dead body from my index pulling that trigger.

I wrote this while in the hole.

Thanks for listening.

R. Collins

Aug 12, 2020